"MEN'S HEALTH" MONTH?

I only just found out that it is men's health month. I'm not particularly subscribed to mainstream media so I often miss the memo, but I thought it was something worth some consideration. As it is something that is close to my heart.

As a father of a young son, someone who works with boys and teens in various settings, and having my own ongoing journey with mental, relational and physical wellness - I feel pretty invested in “men's health” - at all ages and stages. Sometimes I feel like it's at the heart of what my work is all about. But when I look at one thing, it’s very hard to ignore all the other threads woven into it.

I don’t really think we can address men’s health without looking at the full spectrum of life - from the family unit out.

For example, I go and get all of my needs really well met on a weekend away with the brothers, come home full of heart, strong in my purpose and ready for life. And then I meet a wall of stress, strain and dirty dishes - that slowly envelops me. So although it’s super important, and us brothers need it whenever we can get it, in a sparsely stranded web (e.g. nuclear family) someone has to take up the slack. And in my nuclear family this is often the way we work it - someone takes up the extra load or misses out so that the other can get their deeper needs met. A tit for tat two way juggle. But without extra support, it doesn’t leave much for the relationship. Sound familiar?

So some people do have regularly available and compatible grandparents, a proximal community of close and supportive friends, high quality day care that meets their children's “learning” style, and/or they are financially positioned to lean on nannying, cleaners, bodywork, holistic health care etc. In essence, they have some sense of a village, or the money to buy one. We have elements of this at least some of the time and are very grateful for it when we can access them. But we are struggling to find it as our weekly rhythm. And from my vantage point, most families are in a similar position?

I think many are relying on things like crowded and stretched day care systems or schools, excessive screen time, and alcohol or other numbing agents to name a few. Very understandable as a coping mechanism, but don’t they just shift the burden across time or space? There is always a trade-off. 

We do it to get by. But it’s not sustainable, and we have to create better systems - inside out.

So what are our options?

Creating a village is a beautiful mission. We have been dancing with this dream for years now - and it ebbs and flows. We are making good progress in some areas, but it feels like a multi generational project, certainly not a quick fix.

One thing that my journey is showing, is that there are the external and physical “loads” or “burdens” - the time and energy it takes to earn money, look after a household, children, cars, physical ailments etc. And there are always ways and hacks to mitigate these. And then there are the hidden loads. The underlying stories and psychological tensions or traumas that continually burden my internal system. I think this is where many men have blind spots - I certainly do. And also where we can get some much needed leverage.

I'm seeing more and more that this might be a wiser place to aim our arrows.  At least initially. So that we are better positioned to create the external ecology our hearts long for.

In this scenario my work as a man and father is to meet, understand and befriend these parts and stories in a way that lightens the burdens they carry. For example I know I have a long journey with convincing a part of myself that it’s safe to ask for help. Or that I am not responsible for everyone else’s emotional state. Or that I am, generally, safe to be myself.

These stories need tending, and re-authoring. Otherwise they are unconsciously running and taxing my nervous system, the last thing I need in my life.

So, men’s health month. What's my take-away?

I say Brothers hit the gym and do the “push up challenge”, get the supplements, spend quality time with good mates and get amongst the trees and oceans a bit more regularly. These types of things are essential . AND, maybe we consider weeding, watering and exercising our internal nervous systems a bit more devotedly - so that it this system up a bit more resourced and enthusiastic for the inevitable challenges of being a man in a modern world.

Joining a men’s circle, seeking out a mentor, elder or psychotherapist, even taking it to the trees, soils and skies for some wise support. Turning our hearts and ears towards these parts of ourselves that are struggling, giving them some loving attention and seeing if they are willing to co-operate a bit more, come up with a new story. And maybe, being a bloke that can do it for someone else.

Let’s do it together. For ourselves, for our families, our kids and each other.

Then, when we are up for it, let’s come together and talk about how we are going to create the thriving villages for us men (women and children) need to be truly “healthy”. 

But I’ll save that discussion for another time.